Setback number 3

My nurse on the Friday night was super efficient,  in fact they all were but this one more so.  She spent way too much time applying  ‘feng shui’ to all my drips and lines as she said she wanted it done her way and It was all too messy for her liking.  I’d been quite stable all day and couldn’t give a toss what was where as long as I could breathe. The dryness was slightly better but still I was envisaging drinks of all descriptions regretting all the times I could have had a drink and didn’t,  or had had  a drink and hadn’t really appreciated it.  My sister had been there,  again not sure how but she was there.  She was angry and wanted to speak to my consultant and ask how on earth could this happen again.  I dreaded him walking in as she would have said something and I need him in my life.  I truly believe he will get me through this.  Visitors all gone now and I was settled for the night.  After sepsis your skin hurts,  in fact everything hurts and part of the nurses job is to reposition me in the bed with slidy sheets.  Two nurses turn me to the side and push a plastic sheet under me then turn me the other way and pull it through.   Then I would hear ‘ one two three SLIDE’ as they whisked me up the bed.  It reminded me of Cerys when we would say to her ‘one two three SQUEEZE’ as we gave her a big cwtch.  I can’t think of Cerys,  it’s too painful,  the tears flow.  I have a close relationship with my sisters’ twins.  My sister is much younger than me in fact she does look more like my daughter.  When the twins were born,  Lyndsey was 24 so all in all a strange family make up.  I met the twins when they were an hour old and fell completely in love.  Our mother also played a big part in their lives until 2012 when she had a massive brain haemorrhage.  So I sort of became surrogate gran to the twins and I love them dearly,  I’m afraid I can’t bear to think of them either as it makes me too sad.  Or my mother for that matter who is now in a home as with everything we couldn’t cope.  Although she did try and set fire to something so the time had come……..such a desperately hard time in our lives.

It’s about 930 pm and Nurse Feng Shui comments on my left drain.  This drain is attached to the area of bowel that had been repaired in the second op on Sunday 5/3.  All week the drain bag had been fine with just a little blood and serous liquid which was normal.  The bag was full of the devil green bile.  This meant one thing – the repair had failed again – I was back to square one, back two years replacing my mature,  mostly manageable fistula with God knows what.  I didn’t really feel anything,  I was numb.  Feng shui nurse said it was probably nothing but I knew that was not the case.  I drifted to sleep accompanied by the fairies and  yet more dreams of orange juice.  I awoke in the night thinking I was in one of those American candy bars,  lots of colours and pretty things,  the fairies were there too along with sort of script writing on the walls but I couldn’t read it.  I asked feng shui could I have some pop and she said no sorry and gave me a sip of water that did nothing.  Sleep was my only release from this nightmare and so I went away with the fairies to the pretty place. 

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