Tortuous Tuesday – Day 16

Not a good day.  I awoke and notice a bulge on my scar,  like half an egg.  The doctors came round and prodded and said initially it was superficial but then a load of liquid came out and it was the demon bile.  A fistula has broken through.  I keep thinking I’m going to wake up from this nightmare as it just keep getting worse.  It’s day 16 so Yes I know early days but I don’t understand why this has happened.  I’m beginning to think I do have Chrons.  I have seen several doctors today all whom have held my hand and said this will bet better but we are talking months,  upto a year maybe.  I have to believe I can beat this,  my family are too precious for me to just curl up and die which is what I feel like doing.  I know they would rather me home on TPN than not here at all,  I just cant imagine a life without food and drink but that is quite extreme.  The stoma nurse came and said she wished she could take me upstairs to meet all her other fistula patients ; many like me, some worse but I’m certainly not alone with this.  She also tells me stories of people who were like me or worse and have got better – but it takes time and patience and hope.  I beat myself up then as I was actually OK coming in for this op,  should I have just managed it better and left things alone,  well yes it seems this is another bad decision.  I was so desperate to be as I had been I agreed to the repair but I did have deep reservations. As I know how my body reacts to surgery.  Too late now,  pointless ruminating or I will send myself completely mad again.  

Stephen sat with me today for 9 hours,  he is also very upset and still tearful.  I hate the fact the hospital is so far from home,  I worry Stephen will have an accident driving when so emotionally wrecked.   Please let tomorrow be a better day.

 

Hope is the ability to see the light despite all the darkness

Desmond Tutu 

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