Not a good day. I awoke and notice a bulge on my scar, like half an egg. The doctors came round and prodded and said initially it was superficial but then a load of liquid came out and it was the demon bile. A fistula has broken through. I keep thinking I’m going to wake up from this nightmare as it just keep getting worse. It’s day 16 so Yes I know early days but I don’t understand why this has happened. I’m beginning to think I do have Chrons. I have seen several doctors today all whom have held my hand and said this will bet better but we are talking months, upto a year maybe. I have to believe I can beat this, my family are too precious for me to just curl up and die which is what I feel like doing. I know they would rather me home on TPN than not here at all, I just cant imagine a life without food and drink but that is quite extreme. The stoma nurse came and said she wished she could take me upstairs to meet all her other fistula patients ; many like me, some worse but I’m certainly not alone with this. She also tells me stories of people who were like me or worse and have got better – but it takes time and patience and hope. I beat myself up then as I was actually OK coming in for this op, should I have just managed it better and left things alone, well yes it seems this is another bad decision. I was so desperate to be as I had been I agreed to the repair but I did have deep reservations. As I know how my body reacts to surgery. Too late now, pointless ruminating or I will send myself completely mad again.
Stephen sat with me today for 9 hours, he is also very upset and still tearful. I hate the fact the hospital is so far from home, I worry Stephen will have an accident driving when so emotionally wrecked. Please let tomorrow be a better day.
Hope is the ability to see the light despite all the darkness