Thursday – Day 18 – Day of waiting,  always waiting……..

I awoke with a start at 7am to find my Consultant stood by my bed.  He didn’t look his usual happy self,  he looked tired and a bit deflated.  We chatted about the usual things – how was I feeling, how much was coming out of the drains,  was my stoma working? 

Answers – feeling bitterly disappointed,  drains were active,  stoma inactive 

For anyone not familiar with the horror of bowel surgery,  the fact my stoma is barely functioning is not good news.  When you have a hole in your bowel,  the hope is it will heal but if the stoma isn’t working,  that is less likely to happen as the waste material will come through the  drain hole instead thereby keeping the fistula open.  

He said he had had a quick look at the scan but he didn’t want me to expect news as such as this was a baseline scan,  a starting point to be used as a comparison weeks down the line.  He didn’t say anything particularly reassuring as there was nothing he could say.  That’s the trouble with this type of surgical problem,  it’s a waiting game.

Lady Consultant came and looked at the figures,  made some noises,  said I was  doing well.  I am so glad to have her in my life,  sounds a bit twee I know but unless you have been in my shoes, you don’t realise how dependant you become on people who make you feel better. 

My health assistant is a cheery girl called Vanessa,  she does my obs and says they are all good :

BP 120/70.  

SATS 98%

Pulse 80

Temp : 36.6 

She suggests a shower but I’m reluctant owing to all the tubes – she said ‘It fine’ in her broken English.  I don’t like that word Fine,  how many times have I told it will be fine when it isn’t.  Vanessa seems quite excited at the prospect of me showering and washing my hair so I’m sold.  Problem is we have to wait for the TPN to finish which is 12 midday – it’s now 2.10 and still no one available to take it down.  It’s a specialised task only certain nurses can do.  So I wait and wait and wait.

No visitors today so I watch the news about the atrocities at Westminster – Policeman killed plus a young mothee on her way to pick her children up,  shocking.

I chat on line to friends.  I’ve never been a very sociable person,  quite shy in lots of ways but I do wear my heart on my sleeve and am quite open with people I trust. I have a lovely neighbour who keeps me going plus my forever friend Ann who has been in my life for 25 years.  In the main I chat to Team Topsy – they are happy if I’m chatty as they know I’m OK.  Sometimes I don’t feel like talking as everyone wants news but there isn’t any so they get disappointed.

I finally get my shower.  It’s a bit awkward as I don’t want to get the line wet so it’s hair wash first by hanging into cubicle whilst Vanessa washes my hair.  Then step into shower and try and wash.  The shower head gas a mind of its own,  really powerful,  but we get there.   Feel slightly more human,  now hoping my leaden arms will assist in the marathon of hair drying. 

Be glad to put my meditation app on and drift off to sleep for a few hours at least.  Another day nearer going home but at the moment even that frightens me as I don’t want to go home as this broken mess.  

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