A walk to the pond

This hospital is massive.  I’m not sure how much of an area it covers but it’s like a small town.  On entering, you come into the Concourse which consists of several shops and coffee bars.   Outside there is a large pond complete with ducks and waterfall.  Everyone has been telling me how I have to get some fresh air and get out of this room.  So when Stephen arrives,  we decide to venture out.  We planned to walk down and then pick up a wheelchair for the return journey.  I walk OK on the walk down the concourse and we venture round the pond once,  tentatively avoiding the smokers plumes which I hate with a passion.  I gulped in the fresh spring air and was glad my lungs seemed to be be OK.  We go back in and have a little walk round Tiger but didn’t buy anything.  I went to the shop next door as I wanted to get Cerys a little toy.  I started to feel weak and so picked a toy and left Stephen to pay whilst I sat down.  We walked a few steps and I had to sit down again.  There were no wheelchairs available so I had no choice but to walk the 1000 or more steps to the ward.  We got to the lift area and I felt very odd,  I steadied myself against the wall and Stephen was holding me,  next minute I fainted and found myself on my knees with people shouting for doctors and chairs.  I was whisked off to a side ward and checked over,  all was OK,  my obs were fine.  ‘ Should have taken a chair dear ‘,  “‘Too much for you ‘- the advice was coming thick and fast by the very kind staff.  Doctors came and went and panic over.

I cannot believe how weak I have become and I see this as another setback.  Back on the ward,  they try to reassure me and tell me off for walking so far.  So Stephen is again traumatised but he tries to gee me up and explain why I fainted,  but I’m not convinced.

He says repeatedly we will get through this.  But how could any couple cope with so many problems.  He is reasonably healthy and I feel I am denying him a full and rewarding life.  He says he doesn’t have a life without me but I’m not sure he will cope with all of this,  I struggle and I don’t have a choice,   but he does.  That just makes him sad and angry though.

Really cannot think too far ahead at the moment,  definitely one day at a time.

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