1st April – I was supposed to be well on the road to recovery now. But no point looking back, I know that. Even though I have been here four weeks now. I’m only considering it as day 18 as I can discount the first 10 days when I became really poorly with the respiratory failure. In fact it was only after this that the bowel leaked again and ethey have explained why. Basically when you experience something like that, your body will concentrate on keeping your heart, lungs, and brain going to keep you alive, bowels probably take low priority. Plus I had no nutrition in me, nothing to repair with, it was destined to fail in the circumstances.
Slept well, I was so exhausted last night and with the help of my meditation app, I drifted into a deep, hopefully healing, sleep.
I’m going to see Cerys today and am looking forward to that. I’m prepared for the fact she may not recognise me but I don’t mind, plenty of time to forge bonds again. I won’t be walking to Concourse after yesterday so a wheelchair will be required.
There has been some mention of me going home on TPN. Now I have very mixed feelings about this. I think not being able to eat at home will be more difficult than in hospital, as Stephen has to eat. I should be able to drink by then though so that will be OK. There are obviously many benefits to being at home not least of which my family can stay away from the M4 for a while but im not sure I’m ready yet. Even though I have good family support, I have no medical support. Our surgery is run by locums and they have no experience of this, how would they organise the blood tests needed to formulate the TPN plus if I become unwell, I would have to go to Glangwilli which again worries me a bit. But the alternative is possibly being here 6 months, I don’t think we would cope with that either.
A company called Calea will deliver the TPN and set up / take down if I want. I find it difficult to even write about it as this was one of my greatest fears – no looking back. The plan is it will be for a few months until I and my gut is stronger but then it would mean more surgery which also terrifies me – no looking forward. One day at a time.
And so the day commences…….
Nice nurse gives me my tablets, well only paracetamol and something to protect the stomach lining.
The Philipino cleaner comes home for his daily moan about some horrible patient who seems to take great joy in flooding the bathroom every day, lazy supervisors and poor pay. He says in his country if you disrespect someone, you stand a high chance of getting shot, great! He seems generally discontented with his lot and I feel like saying, be grateful, but people aren’t are they. They take everything for granted until it all come crashes down. Another nurse told me how strong I am. I don’t agree with that as I really have no choice. I said how unfair life seemed when some people seem to breeze through life with no major issues and then others seem to get more than their fair share of problems. She said it can appear like that but then when something does go wrong for these seemingly blessed people, they hit a brick wall, can’t cope, go into meltdwon. ‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger Beut’, she says in her thick Cardiff accent. She is lovely, always a tonic, helps pass the day.