Scaredy Cat

I was talking to a girl today who has been in a worse situation than me.  She was giving me some advice on how to get through this nightmare journey.  She said when she left hospital,  she felt like a kitten who had been battered or run over, scared of the world, scared to venture out incase it got injured or hurt again.  Thats a good description of how I’m feeling.  Scared.  They have said I can go home on Monday as I will recover better.  I’m off the TPN now and eating enough calories to sustain myself.  Today I have had –

Bowl cornflakes 

2 biscuits

Small omlette 

Trifle

Bakewell tart

Egg sandwich

Fortisip

Lots of juice and cups of tea

Wow that seems like loads!  Too much sugar but for the moment I don’t care too much.

I have had no visits today and the day has dragged.  I have three new patients in with me.  The lady opposite me has had a stoma but has developed some kind of lung problem and is in oxygen which brings back bad memories of when I had respiratory failure.   Every now and then she becomes very confused and starts shouting and swearing.  She tends to do this in the early hours and seems to take on the voice of a child.  It’s very spooky and I keep expecting to see her head spinning or something.  Her husband seems very caring and tries to comfort her but she is giving the nurses a hard time as she refuses to get out of bed.  The doctors then have a go at the nurses.   She has been sleeping for hours no doubt saving her energy for the early hours when she frightens the life out of me.

The lady to my right is called Mary.  She’s very old and also has a stoma – she keeps taking the bag off which is a complete nightmare,  I’m going through a lot of body spray.   Her daughter called today and they bickered the whole time as she wanted to go home as the ward was starving her and the staff were nasty ( she doesn’t stop eating and staff are lovely).   I cannot really understand her speaking and then I realised who she reminded me of – Charley the Cat – you may remember he was the cat who featured in short animated public information films,  Charley says,   Sounds exactly the same 😏. The lady to my left is also very old,  and sings hymns, especially at night.  Plus old people and mobiles 😡😡 – back to Charley the Cat – Every time a drip alarm goes she thinks it’s her phone,  picks it up and get very cross as there is no one there as she shouts HELLO HELLO in her Charley like voice.  I heard her daughter tell her off for ringing her at 4am this morning – she did explain why but I had no idea what she said. 

I know it’s time to leave hospital even though I’m not right.  I’m very anaemic but it will take time to get over the trauma.  It’s not linked to iron deficiency so there is no treatment other than rest and good nutrition.  I am seeing my consultant tomorrow and have to discuss my concerns with him.  It’s awkward as I really like him and I know he is looking out for me but I do have questions that I need answers to like –

  • Why did the op fail 
  • Why did I get respiratory failure 
  • Does he still feel the majority of my gut is healthy or is he thinking there is something else going on that’s causing the ops to fail eg Chrons disease. 

Plus many more questions go round in my mind,  he’s not great with questions.  I asked him last week how he would feel about operating on me again and he said ‘we aren’t in that situation at the moment ‘.  They deal very much with the here and now as I suppose of they thought like me they would never operate on anyone.  It’s the most frustrating thing though as I don’t look that Ill, haven’t lost weight,  yet it doesn’t heal and may never heal.  No test can predict the outcome and there are no drugs to treat it ( at least not in my case – if they are down to Chrons disease then there are drugs).   So it’s just a watch and wait and I suspect I will be back and fore to hospital for the foreseeable.  I am looking forward to being home though – to sleep in my own bed will be bliss – just hope everything stays stable this weekend.

Charley says…….stop worrying and think positive ⭐️

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