Feeling pathetic

Why am I so weak.  I know people who are going through far far worse than I, and they seem to cope.  Last two weekends have been busy with the annual Carnivals -my daughter always makes and effort and this year was no exception.  I felt quite well with the output low and pain minimal.  When this happens I get over confident and start thinking it’s healing and I can have my life back.  Each and every time this happens,  I get knocked back as I should know by now these things open and close with no rhyme not reason.  This week it’s opened again and that floors me,  and sends me into a spiral of despair.  Plans are unmade,  dreams and projects forgotten about,  and back into the doldrums go I.   I cannot accept the new normal and Stephen certainly can’t.  If he says he wants his wife back ONE MORE TIME………..

I have spoken to two consultants this week about my problems,  and from a surgeons perspective, I am doing fine.  They see me looking reasonably well and so in a way that’s that as there is no treatment for this unless I become seriously ill.  The senior Cardiff consultant even hinted that I should try and live with this as after what happened last time,  it’s just too risky for more surgery.  So that leaves me with a horrible fistula and just as worrying,  a potentially cancerous bottom – which it seems they cannot get out.  Now some people would say best get on with enjoying my life then but no not me.  I think the depression is having an adverse effect as well as I don’t seem to be able to see any positives which is ridiculous.  I feel all at sea,  foggy head, indecisive and overwhelmed.  I don’t feel I’m enough anymore.

Sisters birthday tomorrow,  and the fifth anniversary of my mother’s brain haemorrhage – just wish things could be different.   I’m very good at beating myself up.


One thought on “Feeling pathetic

  1. I think the way you’re feeling, as awful as it is, is very understandable. I do think you need someone to talk to, to get some support from. Is there anyone? I can’t imagine how it must be to struggle at home with Stephen not understanding, it has to be hard for the both of you. But you’re right, you’re good at beating yourself up. It’s a skill I have too. Please know that as terrible as it all feels right now, as difficult as the situation is to cope with, you are doing your best and you can weather the storm; things can and will change. Stay strong xxxx


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