Why am I so weak. I know people who are going through far far worse than I, and they seem to cope. Last two weekends have been busy with the annual Carnivals -my daughter always makes and effort and this year was no exception. I felt quite well with the output low and pain minimal. When this happens I get over confident and start thinking it’s healing and I can have my life back. Each and every time this happens, I get knocked back as I should know by now these things open and close with no rhyme not reason. This week it’s opened again and that floors me, and sends me into a spiral of despair. Plans are unmade, dreams and projects forgotten about, and back into the doldrums go I. I cannot accept the new normal and Stephen certainly can’t. If he says he wants his wife back ONE MORE TIME………..
I have spoken to two consultants this week about my problems, and from a surgeons perspective, I am doing fine. They see me looking reasonably well and so in a way that’s that as there is no treatment for this unless I become seriously ill. The senior Cardiff consultant even hinted that I should try and live with this as after what happened last time, it’s just too risky for more surgery. So that leaves me with a horrible fistula and just as worrying, a potentially cancerous bottom – which it seems they cannot get out. Now some people would say best get on with enjoying my life then but no not me. I think the depression is having an adverse effect as well as I don’t seem to be able to see any positives which is ridiculous. I feel all at sea, foggy head, indecisive and overwhelmed. I don’t feel I’m enough anymore.
Sisters birthday tomorrow, and the fifth anniversary of my mother’s brain haemorrhage – just wish things could be different. I’m very good at beating myself up.