I’m sure other peoples lives aren’t like this, I seem to attract stress. Or is because I am anxious and depressed, I just feel everything more than the normal person and react in the wrong way.
We have the builders in, a known stressor. However Stephen is psychotic about time and if you say 9 o clock then 9 o clock it is and the builder was late. Several phone calls later and said builder has not picked up, stephen is literally pacing the street like a mad bull. I remain calm. I suppose having gone through the events of the last few years, I don’t get stressed about such things and take the attitude he will turn up or he won’t turn up, either way we will sort it. I then remember I have paid him a fair chunk of cash in advance – yes the ultimate mistake – but we know him, he’s nice, blah blah blah. The same old chestnuts go through my head – we will never learn. Are we about to be ripped off big time ? I need to be a horrible person as they seem to fair better in life. Anyhow several hours later, builder arrives, full of apologies and cracks on with the project.
At 3 o clock we are In charge of 3 children – the twins and Cerys. Cerys is a bit poorly and grumpy and will only sit on my lap or have cuddles from me. Thanks to my botched op, I struggle to lift her so she has to be put in my arms each time. We decide to go to Morrisons to get them fed as it’s easier for me, yes easier for ME. For once I’m putting ME first. So off we trott. Stephen goes to get the small amount of shopping that we need and I head to the cafe.
~Grumpy Woman Alert ~ what is it about Morrisons cafe – very very slow service despite us being the only ones there. We eventually get served and order the food. Sorry but the chap on the till seems brain dead or so bored he can hardly be bothered to speak to me. As we walk to a table I pass several empty tables of uneaten food which doesn’t bode well. Food arrives and it’s fair to awful. The boys pick at it, my toastie was burnt and my tea tasted of fish. Joshua wanted ketchup so we ask the girl and she says they’ve run out in that annoying ‘ can’t be arsed to look ‘ manner. Patience now tested I ask her how can they possibly run out of ketchup as it’s a supermarket for goodness sake. She looks at me as if I’m the devil incarnate and says she will have to get a manager to see if she can get some of the shop floor. Yes good idea, Off you go then, I say, reminding her that the food was getting cold……. boys giggle, not used to seeing aunty complaining. So yes one of those days. All my days seem to be stressful but I think it’s my mindset rather than the situations I find myself in as it’s all pretty standard stuff called LIFE. Anyway, deciding to give up on dessert at the dreaded cafe, I tell the boys they can have a bar of cholocate as a treat instead. Stephen retreats to the car – thanks for that. So I take the three kids to look for sweeties and Cerys is on a bid for freedom, running around like a banshee whilst the boys chase and encourage her. We get to the till, she is a wriggling bundle of naughtiness, her ginger curls stuck to her head by sweat and god knows what. So I’m trying to pay and feel something trickle onto my feet. My heart stops as I fear it’s one of the bags but no thankfully it was Cerys’s smoothie that was covering my toes in a pink sticky mess. Oh the joys. But you see again, its better than what I feared so I say a secret thank you to God. I pay with difficulty ( Cerys under my arm ) and my phone is ringing with 4 missed calls. Luckily Stephen shows up to see where we are and he takes Cerys whilst I answer the phone – the line is bad, it’s my daughter and all I hear is ‘can you hear me, Mam, can you hear me’ to which I reply yes – and she says someone has died but I didn’t catch who she said. We get cut off. My heart sinks as I try to imagine who has died, my daughter sounded upset ……we eventually make contact again and it was my uncle, totally unexpected – he was in his 60s and main carer to my aunty who had broken her back last year. I felt numb. That’s the other thing I have found since operation botch, I seem to be void of emotion which is not me at all. I think my brain is on overload. We get home, family arrives, we try to keep the news of the death from the twins for now as they were very fond of him. At 7 o clock everyone leaves. I go in the shower and try and relax. I set to changing my dressings and find a new hole has emerged. I feel nothing. So I lie on the bed, chat to family online, and look at the mess on my stomach wondering why oh why does this keep on happening. There is no end to this nightmare so I best just get on with it as life is well and truly passing me by. I think of my uncle who probably got up this morning not realising what was ahead of him and I cried and cried. Emotions returned with a vengeance. I fall asleep………..