Christmas wishes……….

Well the big day is nearly here and I’m looking forward in a ‘glad when it’s over ‘ sort of way. Not meaning to sound like The Grinch you understand, but I think all of us with chronic illnesses will understand the added pressures and expectations that Christmas brings.

My husband loves Christmas and I am expected to follow suit. So presents are packed and fridge is filling up nicely but as usual I’m very nervous about my health. If you’ve been following my blog, or if you are a fellow fistula sufferer (God Bless you), you will know how unpredictable life with a fistula is. I saw my consultant last week and as usual he was lovely. My circumstances are not normal, he says himself that I’m almost too well to have a fistula, as most people who have them are ill and I’m not particularly. But I remonstrated that I may be well in his eyes but compared to how I was before, I’m nothing. I’m broken and sad, I hate feeling under par all the time with little energy and even less zest for life. He said he understands that and it’s all about acceptance which I struggle with. He is right of course I do struggle. I’ve had health problems all my adult life thanks to severe endometriosis and bowel disease. My 50s was to be my panacea when the menopause would kill off all the endometriosis and my health would be much better. So to have an op against my better judgement go seriously wrong is a bitter pill to swallow. Whats made me more depressed this week is finding out the suspect mass that necessitated the fateful op has actually been there for 30 years so could probably have safely stayed there. I did tell them I suspected it had always been there but I don’t think they believed me and in this litigious society we now live, they couldn’t take a chance. How different life would be had I not had that op. But then again they have said the mass was strangulating my bowel and anything could have happened. Who knows, I certainly don’t….

But the past is gone and there is nothing I can do about that, the future isn’t promised, we all just have today, that’s all we really have so I have to learn to live in the present, taking each step as it comes. I agree that part of my problem is I’m so traumatised by what happened, that half the time I’m fearful of what may happen not what actually is happening. Plus my husband constantly wanting his wife back, the old me, he struggles with the new me, I’m always unwell, forget things, get tired very easily, don’t cook or eat normally, hate going out……the list is endless. It bores him I know that. He wants us to be going on those world cruises we promised ourselves but as I tell him he could be visiting my grave. That makes him sad, very very sad.

So what are my Christmas Wishes. Well first and foremost good health as without that everything is more difficult. Plus harmony and happiness for my family and friends. We have lots of company over Christmas which is (mostly) lovely and we have three beautiful children in our lives to share it all with which makes it all a bit more special.

So I raise a glass to you all and sincerely wish you health and happiness at Christmastime and as always, thank you for reading 🎅❤️🎅

3 thoughts on “Christmas wishes……….

  1. “I’m broken and sad” – This made me want to cry. I’m obviously in a very different situation to you, but I’ve been unwell for a little while and feel as though I’m now mourning the loss of my 20s. I also had my first op and see how it made everything so much worse, and the regret (and anger!) is palpable. But you’re right, we can’t change the past and it only hurts us more to think of what ifs and the way we had wanted our lives to look at this point. But I have hope. I have hope that things can and will get better for you, for us; I think you are resilient and a tough cookie because you have had to be, and that will keep you going. I think things can be brighter in the future, just keep plodding on and keep some positive vibes alive. Sending you hugs and my very best wishes for Christmas and a healthier, happier New Year.
    Caz xx


  2. Topsy

    Oh Caz, I’m sorry if I upset you!
    I’m so good at these pity parties lol and I know I should be grateful.
    I am hopeful things will improve but realistically they may not. For whatever reason this bit of my gut is not a happy puppy and does not heal. So that leaves me with surgery which is also quite scary and nearly got me entry into ‘kicked the bucket ‘ club.
    So that leaves me with acceptance but at the moment I’m in the anger stage, why did I ever have the op blah blah blah. We can’t go back, we can only go forward xx
    Take care and I hope you have a peaceful and healthy as possible Christmas and New Year xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have a similar thing where it comes to looking back with anger (reminds me of the Oasis song!) at an op I had that was awful, about how if I didn’t go with that surgeon and have that particular thing done that things may be very different. But you’re right, we can only go forward. It’s just so hard when the ‘options’ – like in your case with scary surgery – aren’t really options per se, they’re just bad or even worse things to go for. Acceptance is hard, I haven’t managed it yet, so don’t be too hard on yourself. Sending hugs and best wishes for Christmas – I hope you can find a little joy, positivity and hope despite everything going on.xx


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