Well the big day is nearly here and I’m looking forward in a ‘glad when it’s over ‘ sort of way. Not meaning to sound like The Grinch you understand, but I think all of us with chronic illnesses will understand the added pressures and expectations that Christmas brings.
My husband loves Christmas and I am expected to follow suit. So presents are packed and fridge is filling up nicely but as usual I’m very nervous about my health. If you’ve been following my blog, or if you are a fellow fistula sufferer (God Bless you), you will know how unpredictable life with a fistula is. I saw my consultant last week and as usual he was lovely. My circumstances are not normal, he says himself that I’m almost too well to have a fistula, as most people who have them are ill and I’m not particularly. But I remonstrated that I may be well in his eyes but compared to how I was before, I’m nothing. I’m broken and sad, I hate feeling under par all the time with little energy and even less zest for life. He said he understands that and it’s all about acceptance which I struggle with. He is right of course I do struggle. I’ve had health problems all my adult life thanks to severe endometriosis and bowel disease. My 50s was to be my panacea when the menopause would kill off all the endometriosis and my health would be much better. So to have an op against my better judgement go seriously wrong is a bitter pill to swallow. Whats made me more depressed this week is finding out the suspect mass that necessitated the fateful op has actually been there for 30 years so could probably have safely stayed there. I did tell them I suspected it had always been there but I don’t think they believed me and in this litigious society we now live, they couldn’t take a chance. How different life would be had I not had that op. But then again they have said the mass was strangulating my bowel and anything could have happened. Who knows, I certainly don’t….
But the past is gone and there is nothing I can do about that, the future isn’t promised, we all just have today, that’s all we really have so I have to learn to live in the present, taking each step as it comes. I agree that part of my problem is I’m so traumatised by what happened, that half the time I’m fearful of what may happen not what actually is happening. Plus my husband constantly wanting his wife back, the old me, he struggles with the new me, I’m always unwell, forget things, get tired very easily, don’t cook or eat normally, hate going out……the list is endless. It bores him I know that. He wants us to be going on those world cruises we promised ourselves but as I tell him he could be visiting my grave. That makes him sad, very very sad.
So what are my Christmas Wishes. Well first and foremost good health as without that everything is more difficult. Plus harmony and happiness for my family and friends. We have lots of company over Christmas which is (mostly) lovely and we have three beautiful children in our lives to share it all with which makes it all a bit more special.
So I raise a glass to you all and sincerely wish you health and happiness at Christmastime and as always, thank you for reading 🎅❤️🎅