Well that’s done and dusted………

So Christmas 2017 has been and gone. It was a stressful run up. I woke up in the early hours of the 21st with stomach pains and severe diahorrea which despite all my ongoing problems, is unusual. This continued all night until 8am when I passed out on the bathroom floor. Stephen had been out the night before on a Christmas bash and was oblivious to the fact I’d been ill all night. He eventually found me and an ambulance was called. The problem is with my history is no chances are taken and I ended up in a&e, hooked up to a drip, blood taken, x ray’d and monitored constantly. I slept all day and they decided I had Gastroenteritis and the reason for the collapse was dehydration. They said owing to my very complex history they wanted to keep me in but by 7pm had changed their minds and discharged me. By 9 pm my temperature had shot up to 38.5 and so stephen then spent another hour on the phone to out of hours doctor ……..

I was ok the next day but still had cramps. Christmas wasn’t going to wait though and I had to give instructions to get everything done by the Big Day which was hanging over me like the sword of Damocles. I snapped constantly at hubby as he stressed over this and that and even he acknowledged that Christmas involved a lot of prep and organisation. He obsessed over the fact we didn’t have a cranberry topped pork pie and I swore if he mentioned it once more, I would become violent towards him. He still insisted in going into town to get one which nearly drove me insane! (and at this point in time sits in the fridge unopened and possibly out of date). By Christmas Eve I felt a little better but still no where near right plus I was too scared to eat much or drink anything other than water. I started to hate sellotape,scissors and wrapping paper as I struggled to get everything done, I was so grumpy I was scared of myself! I had all the family here for a buffet I couldn’t eat whilst the children opened their Christmas Eve boxes, which was a big success. Christmas Day dawned and I was relieved to find I was still reasonably ok so the day unfolded and we went out for lunch as planned to Lyndsey’s future in laws. I risked a small dinner and was ok. Boxing Day meant another family gathering here and by now I was getting tired and just longed for a pj day but needs must. Lyndsey was up to her neck in toys and a hyper toddler and my sister does not do any form of hosting. So there is only me, and it went ok with everyone leaving about 8pm when I risked a port which I enjoyed.

So it’s been and gone and I can’t say I’m sorry. As I’ve said before I don’t seem to fit in my life anymore, I’m no good being the one who is always ill . I sometimes feel angry at the surgeons for making things so bad for me and expecting me to just carry on as before when everything absolutely everything has changed. The way the doctors normalise things by saying how well I look, I’m having more good days than bad, how things could be so much worse. Well I know all of that but they could be so much better had they not talked me into that fateful op which has stolen so much from me.

But il keep on hoping il find my place again. I have some special people in my life who keep me going and make it worthwhile and who knows perhaps 2018 will find me my Happy again xx

One thought on “Well that’s done and dusted………

  1. Heck, you’ve had quite an awful time of it just before Christmas, it’s no wonder it was so stressful. I’m glad you had Stephen by your side and able to get on the phone when your temp went back up (I don’t think they should have discharged you in the first place the first time!) and that you were able to get home and go out for that lunch afterwards. All of this will really take it out of you, so make sure to get in plenty of pajama days now. I hope that cranberry topped pork pie is still in date so it can get eaten! You do have special people in your life, but you are also a special person in theirs, despite your illness and struggles. You’re not a burden, you’re a blessing. And I really, really do hope that 2018 can be healthier and happier.

    I also feel like a bit of a hypocrite writing this as I’ve been feeling rather miserable lately, getting angry over an op, similarly, that ruined my life and gave me more problems, including the stoma, and how I need another stoma up in 2018, how this isn’t the life I had thought I’d have etc… but we need to let ourselves feel crap and angry about it all, but then to also be able to appreciate the small good things in our lives and have hope that things can be brighter. Sending hugs your way… Caz xx


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